Forgiveness

A friend recently stated, more out of frustration than asking, “I’m so tired of being angry all the time but I don’t know what to do!”  I felt for her!  We have had many conversations.  She has a right to be angry.  She was physically and mentally abused as a child and the trauma continued into adulthood.  She has learned to fight at the drop of a hat – at words and unintended insinuations that many people would not even recognize.  Of course, her quick and reactive responses bring equally annoyed and sharp responses from those around her and there are few quiet spaces in her life.  However, she developed the necessary survival skills to keep people away.   We have talked about forgiveness but she cannot bring herself to forgive unjust accusations, lies and outright, willful harm. I cannot blame her.  Her history is overwhelming!

But there’s also the fact that resentment, spite and retribution take a lot of energy.  Such emotions keep our stomachs churning and thoughts spinning.  Thinking of ways to get even doesn’t give us rest.  The negative vibes that we send out seem to invite even more negative vibes coming back at us.

So, what to do?  Let’s look, again, at that strange word, forgiveness, that suggests relief.

ChatGPT (AI) says this of Forgiveness: 

Forgiveness generally means letting go of resentment, anger, or the desire for revenge toward someone who has wronged you. It doesn't necessarily mean forgetting what happened or excusing harmful behavior, but rather, choosing to release the emotional burden that comes from holding onto hurt.

Note, that explanation says nothing about backing down to a bully, placing yourself in harm’s way, asking to be kicked again, saying, “Oh, that’s all right; think nothing of it!  Let’s be friends!”  Sometimes, being friends isn’t possible!

For example, what if someone came, tonight, and deposited a pile of rocks in the middle of your driveway?  In the morning, you go out and, after saying a few appropriate words, you put on your gloves and carry all the rocks to the side of the driveway, piling them into a neat pile.  Later, you realize that they’re in the way, so you carry them to the other side of the driveway and make another pile.  This continues on, becoming ever more frustrating and you’re getting grumpier and grumpier – because your back hurts from moving all the rocks.   You’re lashing out at whoever crosses your path and you’re interpreting all interactions, even with strangers, as rude and inconsiderate and purposefully out to get you – when really, you’re encountering people who are tired, overworked, who’ve just raced to school to pick up their kid who is coughing and wheezing or who has broken someone’s nose.  Or their boss was being a first-class jerk!  They didn’t wake up thinking, “I’m going to make people miserable, today!” 

So, what to do with all the rocks?  Well, you could carry them to a far corner of the yard.  You could make a small pyramid!  You could put a sign on the pyramid saying how awful people are!  You could make a rock garden by piling the rocks creatively, putting some dirt between and planting flowers to trail over the edges.  You could find a landscaper to take them.  Or you could pay to have them hauled away.

Is it possible that all your ‘unforgivable’ experiences can be of some use, somewhere,  down the road?  Only you can answer!  But for now, how do you began to lay this burden down?

Maybe, for Step 1, you could reinterpret the daily responses that you find so negative into more  positive responses?  Or, in those instances, just know that the frustration isn’t directed at you, personally. Get to your feet and remove yourself, politely, from the premises.  Find an answer that will be better than the one they gave you?  Take charge of your life instead of giving them charge! 

Can you make your life happier than it is, now?  If you live another 40 years, is this the way it will be?  In the end, when the Great Reaper comes, will you be thought of more as a victim or an overcomer?  Both roads are hard!